dear live journal

pssh sublime is awesome. i don't care that everyone likes them.

i think they're one of those bands that are just wonderful

tosh, nate and i were listening to them the other day in my car. and i just got this sense of high school during the summer time.

they just make me happy and wanna smoke. is there something wrong with that?
no of course not!

and you know what's cool about them is that all their songs are different....and it's funny because i know most of their songs.



just listening to sublime smoking and drinking some beer on a nice sunny day. ah...how does that not sound good?



unless your someone who hates sublime....and hates drugs, then i guess you think that sucks.

also.....i love rap. mmmh dre, bone thugz, 2pac, atmosphere. i feel so fucking bad ass listening to them...when i know im not.

Yep that's my shirt...thanks bargain barn!

I like writing stoned entries because I'm just able to write what I'm thinking. That is just so cool to me. I am writing what my mind is thinking right now!

Like that we are able to allow other people to take a peak into our mind is just amazing. And especially how people here on live journal just pour their personal life out.

But you know it's that feeling that maybe someone....that one person might come across and go woah...I've been there I know what that feels like. And then it's also interesting how people feel so free to let those people read their inner most thoughts.


Mine are pretty useless.
I just talk about Sara.

Because I miss her. And all I can think about is wanting to be her friend again. It's a stoned thing. But really, every day I think I miss her a little less and then some memory pops up and instant missfication...yes I made that up. I called her...how long did we chat this time a good 40 minutes. I told her I missed her...I wanted to be friends again. It's been a year....a year. And I still miss that bitch. She as usual sounded unsure and indifferent.

"I don't know...I mean I miss you too of course."

But I told her...hey it's different. We've grown from this. I'm different. I just want my friend back. I don't want to be scared to see her around town and act like we hardly know each other when I was friends with this person for 5 years!

I don't want that...because that's what it is now. And that's stupid. Who cares??? Who cares! Why are we not friends cause your boyfriend and me didn't start off on good terms, cause you cheated on him, I told you he was an asshole, I was jealous. Well......fuck.....logical! Sorry but anyone in my place would of done the exact same. You know it's a two way street, I admit I fucked up, I could of been nice to Grant, I could of given him a chance. But you know what, she could of warned me and told me how she really felt about everything. A lot of things could happen. But instead what we did was make it worse. By not solving the problem, ignoring it and making it bigger and bigger to the point where she says, "I don't think we can be friends anymore".

And you know what fuck it! That's when we should of been like No...we can work on this. And I felt like it was just me and it was. But you know...I am over it! I don't care about the past. I don't care. Sure Grant let's hang out. Kiss your girlfriend in front of me, whatever. Talk about fucking your boyfriend. Cool?

Like we are we not friends. I am over it and moved passed it, so what is the problem now?

What?

Because if it's the fact that your boyfriend is just pissed that you would even consider to be my friend and thinks it's a bad idea. Fuck that! I'm still here for you. Doesn't that show you something? It doesn't jeopardize your relationship since I'm over it! But if you're not then what the fuck. Get over it! Like why hang on to that. It's un-needed drama!!!!

How you are the only one to vent my deep emotional feelings I keep ever so bottled up.


A lot has happened this year, and I'm still not sure for the good or the bad. I mean I have really changed from the person I was last year. I've grown and certainly become more responsible. I have a steady good paying job which I'm happy about. A car to call my own. Friends that are there for me and care and I can always count on. A loving family. But most people would say how they're life is going great if this was happening to them. But I can't....I still can't get over it. It's been almost a year...well off and on. And I don't understand why I can't seem to move past our loss of friendship.


I try so hard not to think about it. But I can't all I want to do is just go up to her and ask her why and how. Why would you not want to be my friend. How could you throw away 5 years of friendship for him. Love? Well.....we had that too? I just feel like that I was used. That our friendship was a lie and never meant anything if it was so easy to dispose. I mean with every friendship I've had that's ended there is always a part of me that is a little sad, I mean how could you not be. But you know it's much easier to move on when you have others around you to comfort you. And in that time I didn't have anyone. So that's one of the many reasons why it was so hard to ignore. But I have friends....friends who care. Friends who want to hang out with me. Friends that have been there for me. BUT I STILL CAN'T LET GO OF SARA! She was my fucking best friend. And you know what I'm not even upset at Grant anymore. I'm pissed that she couldn't stand up for herself and tell him he had nothing to worry about. But she just let him make the decisions for her. And it's not fair. Because it was just like BAM. I had no say, no choice. And I tried everything to prove to her that I was happy to just be her friend and not hang out with her everyday and that I didn't need her. And you know what...I don't. There are days where I don't think about her at all. But then there's days where everything reminds me of her. I drive by her street. It's totally stalker status that it really frightens me. I don't even go to her bagelry because of her. And I don't know why she should have any sour feelings towards me and act so cold. If anyone I should be the one bitchy to her, she has no right!


It's a fucked up situation that I wish we never fucked up and complicated because it ruined everything....but at the same time was so wonderful. "Nothing Ever Lasts Forever"....well yeah I knew that, but it didn't have to fucking end either...especially like that. And I don't know how to feel anymore, I talk to Tosh and Rachel and they say fuck her, she's not worth it for treating you like that. And they're right. I didn't deserve that at all. Anyone in my position would of acted just the same. How was I supposed to act? And then they ask me, "Well, Lidia, let's say Grant and Sara break up and she calls you up. What would you do?"

And that's it....I should tell her to fuck off and how she should fucking rot in hell for being such a cold hearted bitch. But the other part doesn't feel that way. I love her. I want to tell her it's okay, I've been waiting for you to realize what a mistake you made, it's okay, I forgive you.


But she doesn't deserve that. Which I can't help....because it is so hard to let her go....I want her in my life. And it just astounds me that she doesn't feel that way. That she could just dismiss me like I never existed. I mean....did we not mean anything?

I shouldn't even care. Most people wouldn't. But I gave my heart and put everything in our friendship. So how am I supposed to let go...when I never wanted to?

And what am I supposed to do. And I still feel like I need to apologize to her for everything...when I don't!

We talked just now...for almost an hour...and I was a creep and waited by her neighborhood to see what time she'd be home so I could call her while she wasn't with Grant. That is the most pathetic and depressing thing I think I have ever done. It really freaks me out how creepy it is. And I made up some lie how someone from my work can't go to this concert and asked her if she wanted the ticket since I know she likes the band. And then we just ended up talking about work and shit...and you know what....I just felt like saying "How can we not work?" She was talking to me and telling me stuff. So she obviously wanted to talk to me and had things to say, but then towards the end she acted all indifferent and short saying how she really had to go. Another thing....she wouldn't fucking make me a free bagel? Can you believe that...wow. She was like "Well....if it was slow...and I wasn't busy and felt like it...then maybe I'd make you one."

And I just can't believe how me and her have gone to this level. I just want us to be friends again. I miss my best friend so much. It really hurts...like this is the worst pain I have ever felt besides my crotch having tea spilt on it. Everyday....a volvo passes me by...and I look. Everyday...I dream of her and us being friends again. And everyday...it gets harder and harder to not think of her. Because I wonder...does she think of me...does she miss me? Why can't we be friends. I love her...yes but I want her to be happy...but to have no friends and just constantly hang out with your boyfriend and not smoke or drink because he has made an ultimatum is ridiculous.

What is the icing on the cake of all of this is that I still love her, and I always will....I'm still waiting for her...and I shouldn't. But I just can't help it....and who knows...if they ever do break up...I hope she feels the way I'm feeling now...cause she deserves it. But they won't...and I have so much shit I could tell Grant that would break them up...and everyday I'm just like why am I not telling him. I mean she obviously doesn't want to be my friend so what do I have to lose...she's not my friend now...and most likely won't be. So she'd hate me...but I still don't want to risk it.

I told her I missed her and that we should hang out sometime. But she said that right now wouldn't be a good time maybe in the future. But that won't happen.

I should move to Oregon...and fuck her...and fuck Santa Cruz....but I won't because of her...just so I could wait around some more for her to realize how big she fucked up.


And I hate that I'm still hung up on this...and crying and fucking writing this in my lj of all places. I should tell her...but that never does anything. I just want someone to go up to her and make her realize what she's done....


I'm happy....I know it may not sound like it...but it comes and goes. There's days where I'm so thankful for my friends I've made now and how I'm having such a great time with them...and then I think...but I would love it more if Sara was here. And I think of her...and I get depressed.



Karma always finds its way of getting to you. I'm sorry Nikki...you never deserved what I did to you. But I see how much it hurts. So maybe Sara will see too. But when??

I just don't know what to do anymore. Because this whole ignoring it and "moving on" ain't working. I haven't found anyone, and my friends are surely sick of me talking about Sara.


So what do I do? Cause this waiting game is sure getting tiring!

i miss her

pixies r coool