dear live journal

overrrrrrr rated

2008-02-16T05:02:46Z

pssh sublime is awesome. i don't care that everyone likes them.

i think they're one of those bands that are just wonderful

tosh, nate and i were listening to them the other day in my car. and i just got this sense of high school during the summer time.

they just make me happy and wanna smoke. is there something wrong with that?
no of course not!

and you know what's cool about them is that all their songs are different....and it's funny because i know most of their songs.

just listening to sublime smoking and drinking some beer on a nice sunny day. ah...how does that not sound good?

unless your someone who hates sublime....and hates drugs, then i guess you think that sucks.

also.....i love rap. mmmh dre, bone thugz, 2pac, atmosphere. i feel so fucking bad ass listening to them...when i know im not.

It's 420 do you know where your bong is???

2007-11-10T09:43:50Z

Yep that's my shirt...thanks bargain barn!

I like writing stoned entries because I'm just able to write what I'm thinking. That is just so cool to me. I am writing what my mind is thinking right now!

Like that we are able to allow other people to take a peak into our mind is just amazing. And especially how people here on live journal just pour their personal life out.

But you know it's that feeling that maybe someone....that one person might come across and go woah...I've been there I know what that feels like. And then it's also interesting how people feel so free to let those people read their inner most thoughts.

Mine are pretty useless.
I just talk about Sara.

Because I miss her. And all I can think about is wanting to be her friend again. It's a stoned thing. But really, every day I think I miss her a little less and then some memory pops up and instant missfication...yes I made that up. I called her...how long did we chat this time a good 40 minutes. I told her I missed her...I wanted to be friends again. It's been a year....a year. And I still miss that bitch. She as usual sounded unsure and indifferent.

"I don't know...I mean I miss you too of course."

But I told her...hey it's different. We've grown from this. I'm different. I just want my friend back. I don't want to be scared to see her around town and act like we hardly know each other when I was friends with this person for 5 years!

I don't want that...because that's what it is now. And that's stupid. Who cares??? Who cares! Why are we not friends cause your boyfriend and me didn't start off on good terms, cause you cheated on him, I told you he was an asshole, I was jealous. Well......fuck.....logical! Sorry but anyone in my place would of done the exact same. You know it's a two way street, I admit I fucked up, I could of been nice to Grant, I could of given him a chance. But you know what, she could of warned me and told me how she really felt about everything. A lot of things could happen. But instead what we did was make it worse. By not solving the problem, ignoring it and making it bigger and bigger to the point where she says, "I don't think we can be friends anymore".

And you know what fuck it! That's when we should of been like No...we can work on this. And I felt like it was just me and it was. But you know...I am over it! I don't care about the past. I don't care. Sure Grant let's hang out. Kiss your girlfriend in front of me, whatever. Talk about fucking your boyfriend. Cool?

Like we are we not friends. I am over it and moved passed it, so what is the problem now?

What?

Because if it's the fact that your boyfriend is just pissed that you would even consider to be my friend and thinks it's a bad idea. Fuck that! I'm still here for you. Doesn't that show you something? It doesn't jeopardize your relationship since I'm over it! But if you're not then what the fuck. Get over it! Like why hang on to that. It's un-needed drama!!!!

Oh El Jay....

2007-10-19T09:03:31Z

How you are the only one to vent my deep emotional feelings I keep ever so bottled up.

A lot has happened this year, and I'm still not sure for the good or the bad. I mean I have really changed from the person I was last year. I've grown and certainly become more responsible. I have a steady good paying job which I'm happy about. A car to call my own. Friends that are there for me and care and I can always count on. A loving family. But most people would say how they're life is going great if this was happening to them. But I can't....I still can't get over it. It's been almost a year...well off and on. And I don't understand why I can't seem to move past our loss of friendship.

I try so hard not to think about it. But I can't all I want to do is just go up to her and ask her why and how. Why would you not want to be my friend. How could you throw away 5 years of friendship for him. Love? Well.....we had that too? I just feel like that I was used. That our friendship was a lie and never meant anything if it was so easy to dispose. I mean with every friendship I've had that's ended there is always a part of me that is a little sad, I mean how could you not be. But you know it's much easier to move on when you have others around you to comfort you. And in that time I didn't have anyone. So that's one of the many reasons why it was so hard to ignore. But I have friends....friends who care. Friends who want to hang out with me. Friends that have been there for me. BUT I STILL CAN'T LET GO OF SARA! She was my fucking best friend. And you know what I'm not even upset at Grant anymore. I'm pissed that she couldn't stand up for herself and tell him he had nothing to worry about. But she just let him make the decisions for her. And it's not fair. Because it was just like BAM. I had no say, no choice. And I tried everything to prove to her that I was happy to just be her friend and not hang out with her everyday and that I didn't need her. And you know what...I don't. There are days where I don't think about her at all. But then there's days where everything reminds me of her. I drive by her street. It's totally stalker status that it really frightens me. I don't even go to her bagelry because of her. And I don't know why she should have any sour feelings towards me and act so cold. If anyone I should be the one bitchy to her, she has no right!

It's a fucked up situation that I wish we never fucked up and complicated because it ruined everything....but at the same time was so wonderful. "Nothing Ever Lasts Forever"....well yeah I knew that, but it didn't have to fucking end either...especially like that. And I don't know how to feel anymore, I talk to Tosh and Rachel and they say fuck her, she's not worth it for treating you like that. And they're right. I didn't deserve that at all. Anyone in my position would of acted just the same. How was I supposed to act? And then they ask me, "Well, Lidia, let's say Grant and Sara break up and she calls you up. What would you do?"

And that's it....I should tell her to fuck off and how she should fucking rot in hell for being such a cold hearted bitch. But the other part doesn't feel that way. I love her. I want to tell her it's okay, I've been waiting for you to realize what a mistake you made, it's okay, I forgive you.

But she doesn't deserve that. Which I can't help....because it is so hard to let her go....I want her in my life. And it just astounds me that she doesn't feel that way. That she could just dismiss me like I never existed. I mean....did we not mean anything?

I shouldn't even care. Most people wouldn't. But I gave my heart and put everything in our friendship. So how am I supposed to let go...when I never wanted to?

And what am I supposed to do. And I still feel like I need to apologize to her for everything...when I don't!

We talked just now...for almost an hour...and I was a creep and waited by her neighborhood to see what time she'd be home so I could call her while she wasn't with Grant. That is the most pathetic and depressing thing I think I have ever done. It really freaks me out how creepy it is. And I made up some lie how someone from my work can't go to this concert and asked her if she wanted the ticket since I know she likes the band. And then we just ended up talking about work and shit...and you know what....I just felt like saying "How can we not work?" She was talking to me and telling me stuff. So she obviously wanted to talk to me and had things to say, but then towards the end she acted all indifferent and short saying how she really had to go. Another thing....she wouldn't fucking make me a free bagel? Can you believe that...wow. She was like "Well....if it was slow...and I wasn't busy and felt like it...then maybe I'd make you one."

And I just can't believe how me and her have gone to this level. I just want us to be friends again. I miss my best friend so much. It really hurts...like this is the worst pain I have ever felt besides my crotch having tea spilt on it. Everyday....a volvo passes me by...and I look. Everyday...I dream of her and us being friends again. And everyday...it gets harder and harder to not think of her. Because I wonder...does she think of me...does she miss me? Why can't we be friends. I love her...yes but I want her to be happy...but to have no friends and just constantly hang out with your boyfriend and not smoke or drink because he has made an ultimatum is ridiculous.

What is the icing on the cake of all of this is that I still love her, and I always will....I'm still waiting for her...and I shouldn't. But I just can't help it....and who knows...if they ever do break up...I hope she feels the way I'm feeling now...cause she deserves it. But they won't...and I have so much shit I could tell Grant that would break them up...and everyday I'm just like why am I not telling him. I mean she obviously doesn't want to be my friend so what do I have to lose...she's not my friend now...and most likely won't be. So she'd hate me...but I still don't want to risk it.

I told her I missed her and that we should hang out sometime. But she said that right now wouldn't be a good time maybe in the future. But that won't happen.

I should move to Oregon...and fuck her...and fuck Santa Cruz....but I won't because of her...just so I could wait around some more for her to realize how big she fucked up.

And I hate that I'm still hung up on this...and crying and fucking writing this in my lj of all places. I should tell her...but that never does anything. I just want someone to go up to her and make her realize what she's done....

I'm happy....I know it may not sound like it...but it comes and goes. There's days where I'm so thankful for my friends I've made now and how I'm having such a great time with them...and then I think...but I would love it more if Sara was here. And I think of her...and I get depressed.

Karma always finds its way of getting to you. I'm sorry Nikki...you never deserved what I did to you. But I see how much it hurts. So maybe Sara will see too. But when??

I just don't know what to do anymore. Because this whole ignoring it and "moving on" ain't working. I haven't found anyone, and my friends are surely sick of me talking about Sara.

So what do I do? Cause this waiting game is sure getting tiring!

kissmycooch @ 2007-10-06T01:12:00

2007-10-06T08:13:21Z

i miss her

sex

2006-09-20T00:58:22Z

pixies r coool

just shoot me

2006-09-18T07:12:39Z

everyones getting sick

oh no

stupid johnny and sara.

i was soo close.

my nose is soo stuffy and nothing seems to be working. im chewing on like peppers to make it more breathable.

sighs.

I wish sara wasnt sick

2006-09-15T07:21:33Z

Because then I wouldn't have had to call Alex out of the blue.

This has been one of my weirdest panic attacks. Seriously, I don't even know how to explian it. One thing I'm eating bread and then my hand is feeling weak and I drop the bread and start feeling like I'm going to faint. Which of course freaks me out to believing I'm going to die.

I almost woke my parents up because it was pretty bad, but I thought nah, why freak them out, I'll just call Alex he can relate.

God, I feel so dumb when I get them. But whatever he was nice and helped me calm down. I still am all jittery and like feel weird.

Which probably will turn out with me staying up till about 5 and stuff. Yey!

Now I know What I Want For XMAS!

2006-09-14T06:05:42Z

Yeah fucking right though.

I cut my leg while shaving

2006-09-09T04:24:40Z

And it hurts really bad. So bad I had to put a bandaid on it. It kept bleeding a lot. So much that I had to take the soaking bloody bandaid off and just cover with it toilet paper. Than after 10 mins get a big huge bandaid and put it on there.

Fuck those stupid disposable razors. They suck and I should know better not to use em.

owie : (

so much fuckin drama going down!

Change

2006-08-29T06:24:14Z

I'm such a crybaby

god my eyes hurt. jeez crying is painful.

I just feel so bad for the retarded guy in my photo class who wont have a partner.

Covering up real reason with sarcasm

har har har

That other kid I liked not Evan

2006-08-13T21:26:47Z

Haha...they broke up. I like when people who make a big deal about their gf's/bf's on their myspace and it's like so noticeable when they breake up. Which is why I'd never like surround my myspace with pictures cause then people ask you or laugh and then you have to go through all the work of deleting the pictures.

Hmm...unless it was like a default picture, I'd do some lame caption "All good things must come to an end". Which would be fun.

So being 18 really doesn't mean anything

2006-08-03T01:15:40Z

Because I'm still treated like I'm 16. No no no, getting a job you can do that and have to but wanting to drive to San Francisco...no you can't do that. Apparently I think I'm tuff or something according to my mom. Why? Because I want to go to San Francisco for the Thrift Stores and take pictures. And that's stupid because there's so many here. It's like wow I want to do one thing on my own and I can't. It's not like we didn't think it through or prepared. Yes mom I want to get lost in San Francisco so I deliberately didn't look up what Thrift Stores were in San Francisco and what street they were on. And I sure didn't bother to get a map of San Francisco at AAA and highlight which route to take and what exits to get off. Oh no, I want to go to San Francisco and wander around till it's late and dark and then drive drunk and not be careful at all. Since I am such a horrible driver.

I am so glad my parents don't have a baby

2006-08-01T04:36:19Z

Because it would be horrible. You have to do so much more for one. Argggh. And FUCK YOU HIGHWAY 1! Worst road ever, well to Mendoncino. Luckily I was able to hold my food in my stomache. And I'm also very glad to have parents who don't make me do stupid things like search for sea glass and take me to thrift stores. thank you. I missed my bed

Don the DDDRAGON

2006-07-24T04:51:30Z

This has lots of pictures, including the stupid creepy mexican who hit on me and Sara while we were just trying to take some photos on the Watsonville train tracks.
He was riding his bike and like then stopped as soon as I was taking a picture of Sara and walked over and I was like talking to him in my bad Spanish thinking he'd get the hint that we didn't want him there. But it's not like he was mean or anything...just annoying and drunk. So he asked to take a picture with Sara and he just put his arm around her shoulder. Then he wanted one with me and of course being that I am like soooo hot he put his arms like across my chest, of course touching my boobs and stupid Sara. Only if she took the picture non blurry with my film camera could everyone see the priceless face I had made and the stupid jerk mexican had to take the polaroids we took with him too. I asked if I could have his but he wouldn't let me and I didn't feel like arguing with his bad English. He asked for our names and I said Jane because I like when Mexicans can't say the J"s and say it like Yane. He asked if we wanted some of his orange alochol drink but we declined. Then we said we had to go.

parents change their minds a lot

2006-07-24T02:44:58Z

jeez first they dont care now they do.

i wish jobs were like shoes. shoes are easy to find and buy and theres so many different types to fit your style and comfort. and sometimes you really love your shoes and think it was just made for you. but jobs aren't like shoes. jobs are like camels where they're scarce and only made for certain people who have experience in riding camels.

someday i'll get a job since my nice new car will need gas.
even when its fully cleaned it's still ugly.

i want the valiant dammit!!

bargain bin...i mean barn

2006-07-14T21:51:25Z

I like how cheap records are. Well...sometimes, but I've gotten so many and I probably have spent at the most 20 bucks and I have about like a 100. Granted they aren't super great ones but that's what I like, I can get any kind for like 50 cents and it can be music from like Italy, Hawaii or I can get some Nat King Cole, and it's like all types of music. Today I got like 13 records for 5.00 most from Bargain Barn and Grey Bears. Man there was like so many, The Cars, Jethro Tull, Bob Dylan, Lynard Skynard, Wayne Newton, and like a couple days at Salvation Army I saw a Mama's and the Papa's record and like last time at Grey Bears there was one but I didn't get it cause it was scratched. But this one was like in good condition and had songs I didn't have on my Ipod but 2 bucks. But I paid cause the Mama's and the Papa's are so good so I was willing to pay for them. But pssh if Salvation Army didn't make their records, cd's and tapes so pricey so many people would buy them but no one does so they just sit there and clutter up.

whats with him and hoodies

2006-07-13T06:06:49Z

mmh last night was soo nice. and good.

ahh it feels like its happening again all over. last summer deja vu.

i dunno. it doesnt seem to stop. first senior year. now college. it's like one big scary obstacle after another.

but i dont know...it just feels surreal.

project runway yey.

joe's still a creep

2006-07-10T07:11:58Z

oh god when they fill it in. it's gonna hurt so bad. oh well at least it wont hurt anymore. my dentist seems so i dont know...cold. like it's impersonal. he called me linda too, i liked my old one better he was nicer and let me have gas and listen to music while they worked on my teeth. i hate hearing the sound of the drilling ah makes me cringe.

Hmm I guess it was good I was sick, then it didn't matter she left.

im horny!

2006-07-09T09:43:15Z

and if i end up having bronchitis i'm gonna be so pissed. because why would i get that. i don't smoke. and this is pissing me off since i can't get any sleep.

and how am i gonna be able to make out111

sighs

xThisMakesMeEmox (2:57:05 AM): i feel like a fat person. not really but like man ive drank so much water. i could be like a water park
HOPEISHELPX (2:58:01 AM): LMAO!!!!!!
HOPEISHELPX (2:58:19 AM): can i ride you then? since your a water park
xThisMakesMeEmox (3:00:35 AM): lol orange you could of rode me just as me duh

I'll be asleep by 6

2006-07-08T11:36:00Z

Hopefully. This is so lame. cough cough...wheez wheez...mucus mucus.

Go away.

glkalkhgklahgklhaklghklhgkehqip'h3jip!Jipj ip1j ipjkfjnk lngklngkl nagf

akogeg

nikki got me sick when we made out

2006-07-05T06:40:12Z

oh no that was sara.

sick...sighs...it beats being sick forever like you though. at least i dont sound like a horse...yet.

ps
tongues....look at yours. they are so gross. or maybe i just have a really nasty one.

if i ever lose my legs

2006-07-03T18:45:41Z

people break up so fast. it's quite funny. you see them all lovey dovey then 3 days later you're like woaaah theey broke up. it's amazing how that works. i wish i could be there to see how they do it. that'd be a good like documentary. BREAK UPS. cause like what do you say to end something like that. weird

OUCCCCCCCCCCCCCH! MAKE IT STOP!

2006-07-02T05:36:40Z

toothache.
now i know how those people in the commercial feel. i wish brushing teeth....was like...someone who did it for you. like your butler.

suck it

2006-06-24T21:49:52Z

8 hours in a city in nevada where the temperature was 100 degress
6 hours in a cramped up uhaul where there are only 2 seats and 5 people
and now i finally woke up

god it was like the worst vacation ever. id like rather be in tulsa i practically was with the stupid heat.

and it wasnt any better with johnny and his stupid feet smelling up the car.

there was one good thing that happened during the trip. and that thing was quite....nice.

yey for a stupid broken car that i wanna smash up.

and yey for now getting to cruise around in a mini van temporarily

gross our shower needs to get fixed fast

2006-06-18T03:41:50Z

and im still car sick ah.

like tears.

i dunno.....it felt so surreal graduating though. like you know you see it in the movies all the time...and then finally i got to live it. in a way ill miss people...you know katie, nisha, jenny. and the routine i mean it was 4 years of my life, so it's just the change and part of growing up that's gonna be hard.

stole this from katies bullentin.
now it seems sad. AND IF YOU LOOK CAREFULLY WHEN PEOPLE ARE SIGNING YEARBOOKS YOU LIKE CAN SEE ME SITTING
DOWN!11

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YfpVaBB_l7E