f r i e n d s

christmas is now over.

everything is quiet, slow, it all feels like everyone is winding down.

it will soon be 2010, a brand new year.

I dont feel the brand new year that I used to.

everything feels old and repeated.
like now all I can feel is the worry and stress that comes along with aging.

the more I think about it, the more depressed and sad I get.

through all of this, I have found a light at the end of a dark tunnel.

hope even when all is lost, and nothing seems like it will ever be positive.

I feel as though 2010 marks the year where I must start.

start to prove my worth.
start to try harder in a lot of things.
start to act more like the man I have to be.

I hope its a great year.

at least I know one thing will be positive about it.

as my 22nd christmas winds up, I just cant help but feel strange.

strange because there is so much change happening so rapidly.

strange because there are so many questions left unanswered.

2010 is just around the corner, and that scared the shit out of me.

soon I will be an uncle, another sign of aging, and growing up.

soon things will be very different.

I just hope its for the best.

as I sit and realize how rapidly the holiday season is ending,
I feel nothing but stress and sorrow.

there is no warm fuzzy feelings,
and no fireside to lay by with my family and the ones I love.

it is so frustrating feeling this way,
because all I want to do is start my life with her.

I know that it is so far away, if it is even meant to be.

I dont want it to be like that.

I want to fast forward.

skip all these years of feeling down all the time.

because there is only one time when I feel like life is somewhat worth it.
and thats when she is near.

when she is absent, I feel like life is just not right.

ugh..

everything is just happening to fast.

I feel like I want so many things to happen quickly,
but it seems as though only its all the wrong ones.

I am so lost and confused.

so scared and alone.

maybe I am asking too much.

I am tired of the insecurity and fear that has plagued me my whole life.

all I want is to live my life.

...........................................................

stop holding me back, responsibility.

A cold reality must be faced.

Every year I am reminded more and more that I am only getting older.

I am ready to face the challenges, but I am just scared of failing.

There is so much that I want to accomplish,
but it seems like I just cant find the time or funding.

So much that my eyes have yet to see,
and so much that my senses have yet to sense.

I just wish things were easier.

I just want things to work out in my favor.

Just for one time.